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NG
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#1
03-30-2008
Default A terrible loss

To whom it may concern,

This is so hard to say...Earlier this evening davo sent me a message, then signed off. I'm not positive, but it may have been his last words. It read:

Quote:
Jim...I'm sorry. That's the only way to begin this. We've shared a lot of similar thoughts and vices, and we have both been depressed for as long as we can remember. I've thought about dying most days for the past year. I didn't have much meaning in my life anymore. I sat around my apartment by myself and wasted time on the internet. I guess you could say I used the internet to escape and disconnect myself from reality, to idle away my life. I'm so powerless. Everything I've done recently has been futile; I couldn't pull myself out of this rut. I've been going through the motions of life for over a year, and the futility of it all became far too much to bear. I'm sorry for not thinking my way out of it. To be honest, I thought my way into it. I lost most of my identity when she left, and I've been struggling (unsuccessfully) to get it back. I know I shouldn't have let being lonely affect me so drastically...but not having anybody to love will cut you wide open. Every seemingly perfect opportunity to have such a person in my life has proven fruitless. I'm tired of being alone. Sometimes it'd be nice if everything worked out for everyone like in the movies and romcoms. You'd think that being aware of what's going on in my mind would enable me to change it somehow. I tried that all my life. If I'd ever found out how, I wouldn't be sending you this. I wouldn't have a need to.
I knew it was serious once I'd read it; there's a small number of things in davo's life he won't joke about, and given the tone of this message, this was one of them. Still, I remained skeptical.


An hour ago davo's friend, whom I was supposed to meet during the Scientology protest, Chas, called my phone. He'd said that davo had hung himself and that he was calling people he knew to let them know. He said he'd just finished talking to davo's mother. Chas could hardly speak, he was choking up, sniffling, stuttering in his speech, obviously crying. My insides knotted up, my heart fell to the floor, and now here I am before you, sleeves soaked in tears, the bearer of bad news: last night davo committed suicide; last night davo stopped hurting, at the cost of hurting all of us.

I should've seen how his mood's progressed, worsened really. Then again, davo always had a strange sense of humor; we all should've seen it coming, we just didn't listen.

Quote:
In general, I have severe depression. More specifically, I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and severe OCD.
Quote:
Originally Posted by What's it like to hold a girl in your arms?
Horrifying, because one knows it cannot last.
Quote:
........................

I really hate most days.
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by I Maffa I View Post
something bad happen today?
Most days.
Quote:
I'm so lonesome I could cry.
I apologize in advance for the long, Livejournalesque post. It's not normally my style, but I feel like shit and so you're now my LJ friends-list.
As most of you know, I dated a girl for three years (from 2003-2006) who left me a few weeks before Christmas 06 for a boy she met on Ragnarok Online. After that, I was pretty (to put it lightly) down on my luck for a few months. Last summer I became sort-of involved with my childhood sweetheart, to whom I hadn't spoken in a few years because of some bad choices on my part (basically, we were incredibly close and I hurt her badly by taking her virginity and running back to my other long-distance girlfriend, Amanda, internet-boyfriend girl, who still lived in Germany at the time). The affection and the sex and the holding and the time with a woman interested in spending time with me were all nice. But, as usual, I was discontent. Here are two things I wrote during that period of time, to give an overview of my the progression of feelings that has led me to my recent conclusion on where the hell it's going.
Quote:
this uncertain...thing...with my childhood sweetheart. We f.ck, and surely care about each other, but it's a very depressing love, almost resigned in its fondness. Am I allowed to say that I don't want to be alone? Does that make my feelings for her any less real? Hell, what are my feelings for her? And hers for me? She's said some things while drunk that I'm afraid to believe, but otherwise she's been good at keeping mum about it.
Quote:
Are we just drinking buddies
Playing with each other's dearest vulnerability?
That this is all we know?
So this is how it's gonna stay?
I think I would rather
Remember how it was and go our separate ways.
I don't feel anything
Unless we are living and dying for each other
Every second of our lives.

Our relationship now is a jumble of childhood-friends, "f.ckbuddies", dear-friends, and "together." We shift from one to the other constantly. I really hope we settle on one at some point.

davo: "When are we going to stop kidding ourselves?" She didn't hear that.
*twenty minutes*
davo: "I'm screwing up. It's obvious that I love you, but I'm afraid I'm falling in love with you.
f.ck, even saying that will affect whatever it is we have now."
mlora: "I don't think I'm ready to call how I feel about you 'love.' I know that I care about you a lot, and that I love being around you, I love hanging out with you, even if it's just sitting on the couch all day watching TV, etc..."
I asked her if it's alright if I do. She didn't hear it clearly, and I declined her request to repeat it.
I asked her to promise not to f.ck me over, and she told me she has no intention of hurting me.

Our current status might be considered ideal. We can be totally content sitting on the couch watching nothing on TV all day. We can enjoy each other's presence without doing anything in particular. We're very close friends who happen to f.ck often. She encourages me to bury my cóck in other women. She is giving and active in bed, and she isn't shy--a real freak. What more could I ask for, right?

I want to grab her face and scream "WHERE THE f.ck IS THIS GOING?!" I want something with a name. I want to be able to describe what we are in one word rather then a few sentences. I want to get affection from her when it isn't dark, when we aren't completely alone, when we aren't drunk, etc. f.ck, I want to be able to show affection when it isn't dark, when we aren't completely alone, when we aren't drunk, etc. I want to be able to kiss her whenever I want and not feel awkward about it, as though she'd rather not but is going with it anyway.

I want to know why she told me she loves me several times when I was here in May and June. If she's not lying to herself now, then I want to know why she lied to me then. I hope she wasn't lying to me then. She seems somewhat cold and distant lately; I hope she's only afraid or confused or something.

I mean, I can deal with it if this is all it's ever going to be. If she wants to keep this up, I can live with that. We can continue this and I can be happy with it. But I need to know, you know?
Basically, that has always on hold for a few reasons, the biggest of which is that she lives in Virginia. But even if she didn't, I don't really see it going anywhere, and I'm tired of spinning my tires trying to get it to.

Anyway, onto the real QQ. Why aren't there girls that appreciate internet skillz? I haven't washed my sheets since october 2006. I have no reason to make my bed. I haven't vacuumed in a year. My apartment isn't dirty, it just hasn't been "kept up." I just...lost all will to do things like that. That and school. I've been on the verge of dropping out for the past semester or two. I'm tired. I've kind of drifted through the past year or so of my life. I don't have the willpower to effect a change.

Every second I'm outside of my apartment is full of an overwhelming awkwardness from which I cannot wait to retreat back to the safety of my apartment. This doesn't mix well with my loneliness. When I stop and think about the women I'm interested in, or even while I'm talking to them, I freeze in a horrible, astonished awe. "Is this real? who the f.ck is this." It's like a caveman learning about fire. I just don't recognize myself half the time I guess. In the three years I was with her, I forgot how to talk to people...striking up conversation, courtship rituals, etc, because I shut everything out.
And I'm really, really, ridiculously desperate for even the slightest semblance of human affection/contact. I guess I just got too used to it. I can talk to women just fine, the issue is judging signs and body language and intentions and whatnot (I was never particularly adept at it, but I've kind of started from scratch since I allowed whatever ability I had in it to atrophy) while the whole time I'm screaming inside "PLEASE! I'D DRAG MY d.ck THROUGH A MILE OF BROKEN GLASS JUST FOR A HUG THROUGH SIX PARKAS!"

I have problems meeting people. I have no car (I live a 12 minute walk from campus), so I don't get out much. I have friends, but they aren't me and thus can't cater to my every whim. I want to go out, hang out, enjoy myself, meet people, build relationships with people, etc. But day after day I end up in my apartment, alone, on the internet all night because I get so distracted from life that I don't notice how tired I am (and have been for the past couple years). That isn't really a problem in college, though, especially because one of the women I'm interested in, who fits what I want very well, works at the University Writing Center with me (and is involved with someone, like they all are).

A big source of my discontent is that I feel like a third party in my own conversations most of the time--that weird astonishment/awkwardness/curiosity that I'm getting because I've never been a social person (at least IRL) and I'm actually pushing myself to try to be one after three years folding myself into a woman. When I'm talking, especially to women I'm interested in, rather than feeling like an active agent in the conversation, I feel like an archaeologist examining some intricate, beautiful artifact. It's a sense of alienation from myself that (in my mind) magnifies the sense of alienation from others that's always looming somewhere in my subconscious, eager to leak into my conscious.

InB4 "stop worrying about wymyn, worry about school, wymyn will come naturally/organically." Easier said than done.
Quote:
I'm really f.cking lonely pretty much all the time.

Yeah, yeah, I know, stop defining yourself by others, occupy yourself, etc. I do the best I can to talk myself out of depression, but I often end up sliding backwards for my efforts.
Quote:
Rope...nearing...end.
Quote:
adsfgadfhsdafhl;jasfcv
f.ckkkkkkkkkkkkk a;dlfjad
nonononogadsj;fg. damnit. damnit.
:\

Funeral arrangements haven't been made yet and I'm not sure when they will. But they'll be in/around Houston, if anyone in that area would like information about it you can post in here or PM me and I'll get you that info as soon as I do.

edit: I'm sorry to everyone who cares, but to davo most of all for not helping him or hearing his cry for help.

Hey, some of you might not think it's very good, but MsTkEyesdid my best to make a sig to commenorate davo in some way.



Sorry it's so big. But I like it that way, to maintain davo's in-your-face attitude.
Busy, busy, busy

Last edited by NG; 03-30-2008 at 01:26 AM.
QsK Carnage
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#2
03-30-2008
Default

Wow...I am truly at a loss for words right now...

As I read, I saw bits and pieces of him in me right now.

My prayers go out to his friends and family though, this must be an awful thing to go through.




Last edited by QsK Carnage; 03-30-2008 at 12:53 AM.
Two-One
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#3
03-30-2008
Default

This is soo crazy.

I read one of his posts in the Regular's section in the suicide thread.

Feels surreal.

I never known the guy, or talked to him, but I have seen a lot of his posts.

My prayers go out to his family & friends.

___

Suicide Thread Post (1 Week Ago):

Quote:
Almost every day of my life. I've tried it plenty of times, and I'll probably end up trying again at some point. I have been horribly depressed for as long as I can remember.
Wish he could of got some type of help.

It is a horrible thing to happen.

Last edited by Two-One; 03-30-2008 at 12:42 AM.
NewBilf
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#4
03-30-2008
Default

No fucking way. Please be trolling us NG PLEASE.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew View Post
I cannot wait to see you crushed when he does not go there.
You honestly 100% think that is where he is going.
Once again, be happy with Amare.
limey limes
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#5
03-30-2008
Default

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Davo always looked awesome and cool on the forums. =[
Dont let it happen.
Blam, blam, boosh.
NG
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#6
03-30-2008
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewBilf View Post
No f.cking way. Please be trolling us NG PLEASE.
Dude I thought the same thing, but this isn't some kind of fucking joke. Davo's sick, but he isn't that sick.
Busy, busy, busy
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#7
03-30-2008
Default

Wow.

I just got done reading all of that information and it really adds up.
NewBilf
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#8
03-30-2008
Default

This is surreal, I only talked to him outside of H3F a few times but losing anyone on H3F is like losing a brother. RIP Davo <3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew View Post
I cannot wait to see you crushed when he does not go there.
You honestly 100% think that is where he is going.
Once again, be happy with Amare.
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#9
03-30-2008
Default



Tragedy is the only word I can think of to describe this.
The Big Lahey
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#10
03-30-2008
Default

Curious. I have always had a curious aspect on death. If I were to ever kill myself, it would not be out of depression, but rather curiosity that kills me.
 

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